Voyager
Copyright 1994
Diana Gabaldon

Chapter 48: Moment of Grace

Claire has been on the Porpoise for nine days and has finally discovered the source of the contagion – Harry, a messmate who had first served the gun room and then had been transferred to the galley six weeks prior to the typhoid outbreak. Claire wants Harry removed from the kitchen, but the cook will not hear of “a goddamned female’s silly notion.” When Elias fails to persuade the cook to see reason, Claire decides to go directly to the top. On her way to speak with the captain, Claire stops for a moment transfixed by the sun descending “down into the ocean in a blaze that paved the western sea with gold like the streets of Heaven.” This moment of peace is the only respite she has from the great stress and sorrow she is dealing with on the ship. “For a moment, I lived in the center of the sun, warmed and cleansed, and the smell and sight of sickness fell away; the bitterness lifted my heart. I never looked for it, gave it no name; yet I knew it always, when the gift of peace came.” These are such poetic thoughts coming from a woman who is extremely practical and nonsensical. Do you find that Claire’s union with the sun is indicative of her strength to heal spiritually, to warm and cleanse one’s body and soul?

“Then the light shifted slightly and the moment passed, leaving me as it always did, with the lasting echo of its presence. In a reflex of acknowledgement, I crossed myself and went below, my tarnished armor faintly gleaming.” Are Jamie’s religious beliefs beginning to influence Claire? She is obviously aware that she is standing in the presense of a higher being, but the sign of the cross indicates she also is asking God to watch over her and give her strength.

Four days after this moment of peace, Elias Pound dies of the typhoid fever in Claire’s arms, but not before calling her “Mother.” It is touching that Claire provides him this last moment of comfort. She is disheartened by the surmounting deaths and declines the captain’s invitation to dinner that evening. Instead she goes to a remote corner of the afterdeck, next to one of the great guns, leaning her “head against the gun, the polished metal cool under my cheek.” There is no moment of peace in sight. These actions are very telling. Do you think Claire is so distraught that she is contemplating suicide? What would have happened if she had not been interrupted?

As Claire begins to pound her hand against the rail “in a frenzy of furious rage and grief,” she is addressed by a man she had not seen aboard the ship until then – Mr. Grey. His hand seizes her wrist, while his arm wraps around her waist pulling her away from the rail. Claire in all her gracefulness asks Grey “Who the hell are you?” He does not reveal his full identity as he gallantly hands her a crumpled handkerchief to dry her eyes. He recognizes her as the “infamous Mrs. Malcolm, whose heroism Captain Leonard has been so strongly praising.” Claire is not flattered by his words for she does not feel heroic watching men die.

Lord John offers Claire brandy and applauds her fearless efforts to treat the ship's sick crewmen. They debate about whose responsibility it is to protect the crew from illness. They both feel obligated to oversee this task. Claire tells him that he does not understand why it is her job to cure the men. Lord John explains: "I do see, . . . I had thought your distress due only to a woman's natural compassion, but I see it is something quite different. . . . I have been a soldier, an officer, . . . I know what it is , to hold men's lives in your hand--and to lose them. . . . What it comes to, I think, is the knowledge that you are not God. . . . And the very real regret that you cannot be."

Claire responds to his comments: "I sighed, feeling some of the tension drain out of me. The cool wind lifted the weight of my hair from my neck, and the curling ends drifted across my face, gentle as a touch. 'Yes,' I said." On these parting words, they bid each other good night as Lord John is scolded by Jones, the steward for leaving his quarters. Jones is startled when Claire grabs his sleeve to inquire about Mr. Grey. “Christ, I did think you was a ghost mum, begging you pardon.” She is intrigued about the man she has been speaking with and is surprised to learn that he is Lord John Grey, the new governor of Jamaica.

At the end of this scene, Claire stands at the rail “alone for a moment before going below, drawing in deep breaths of the clean, fresh air. It would be a good many hours until dawn; the stars burned bright and clear over my head, and I realized, quite suddenly, that the moment of grace I had wordlessly prayed for had come, after all.” Claire remarks out loud to the sea and sky "You're right, . . . A sunset wouldn't have been enough. Thank you."

This brief exchange is the beginning of Claire and LJ's emotional attraction to one another. They are birds of a feather who honor their professions with their strong sense of duty. Claire needed to share her anger with someone who understood her frustrations. Grey was at the right place at the right time. Were you surprised that Claire did not tell him she had been kidnapped from the Artemis? At the time of their conversation, Claire does not know LJ is the new governor, but she could tell he was not a sailor based on his attire, “tailored to flatter his slender frame.” It was amusing that Claire was concerned with her appearance upon seeing Grey, making an effort to smooth down her hair and hoping that the shadows hid her face. She normally could care less about her looks. Is she taken by this office and gentleman? What are your thoughts about this encounter between Claire and Lord John Grey?

Thank you for the great insights and thought-provoking questions! I definitely agree that Claire and LJ are "birds of a feather". I think, too, that LJ is the first one in all these horrendous days on board the Porpoise to see Claire's suffering, understanding that it's not the filth and disease that's destroying her, but rather her inability to save the men she feels responsible for.

I don't think for a minute that Claire was contemplating suicide. No matter the depths of her despair, she knows exactly what she has to live for, and frankly, she's lived through worse in her past. Yes, she's despondent over her seemingly impossible battle against disease, but she knows that her overarching purpose is to reunite with Jamie and find Ian. I think it's rather nice imagery, Claire leaning her cheek against the ship's gun, especially once LJ compares her to an officer in battle.

Picking up a topic from the previous chapter, where we'd discovered that Captain Leonard was only 19, I thought about the horror for Claire in this situation, having to care for dying boys the age of her child. We know that she saw the horror of war when she was a nurse during WWII, and I don't wish to downplay that at all. However, I'd imagine that it's a very different experience for her, as a mother, to see children dying under her care.

I'm not sure that she feels an actual attraction to LJ, but certainly she's drawn to his intelligence and the fact that he "gets" her. In a very real way, he's a breath of fresh air -- the first person she's seen on board the ship who is clean and untouched by the disease ravaging the crew. I think her encounter with LJ gives her a renewed sense of purpose and hope. I love that they've had a chance to see each other at their best, before they figure out who they each really are and all their jealousies and mistrusts interfere.

Lovely, lovely imagery and descriptions throughout. Sometimes, it's these shorter, quieter chapters that really pack a punch.

I loved this scene because neither Claire or John know the common thread that links them but both feel drawn to each other in understanding. This is not the last time that John will liken Claire to a warrior. This scene gives us a picture of John's tenderness. He really has a soft side. He is in the right place at the right time. His understanding is like a gift to Claire. I bet if they were in the 21st century they would end up buddies.

with all of you! The imagery is beautiful and in some of the more quiet moments DG is at her best.

That LJ and Claire had this moment of connection prior to discovering who the other was sets them up to bond after the initial jealousy between them subsides. LJ shows up at just the right moment - Claire was in the depths of despair at not being able to save those who had been lost. I don't think she would have contemplated suicide because she would fight to her last breath to return to Jamie.

I am not sure if Jamie's religious beliefs are having an influence on Claire or if she has always believed but just didn't recognize it. I think she partly came to understand this when she was in the abby (after Jamie's brutal treatment by BJR) and spent time in the chapel alone. Her conversations with Father Anselm were very telling as well. But, you cannot deny that Jamie is outspoken at times about his faith, which could certainly have made Claire more secure in her own faith. Perhaps her Uncle Lamb did not encourage, nor discourage, her regarding her beliefs, but just didn't address them at all. Claire definitely shows her faith during this scene. She even acknowledges that God knew the sunset would not have been enough and so He sent LJ to comfort her, and she offers thanks. Beautiful ending for a chapter full of unrest!

Wonderful summary and wonderful comments from everyone. I agree.
[I almost feel like stopping there, but I'm rarely that succinct. ]

I love that they had this moment to appreciate each other before they discover their other connection and the jealousies and awkwardness rear their ugly heads. They definitely have a lot in common and an emotional bond and mutual understanding.

This was a surprisingly poetic chapter. Especially in the midst of all the horror and tragedy of a plague. It was lovely to read.

I don't think Claire was suicidal. Just frustrated. And, I don't think she was trying to hide her face or fix her hair because she was attracted to LJ. I think she didn't want anyone to see her crying - she's projecting herself as the strong, confident doctor - and she always tries to tame her hair when she meets anyone. I don't think she mentioned the kidnapping for a couple of reasons. For one thing, it's been long enough now that the Artemis is so far behind there isn't really anything to do. Also, she knows how desperate poor, young Captain Leonard was when he did it, so I think she understands. And, she's so focused on her work and her current frustrations that I don't think she even thought of it. Perhaps if she knew while they spoke that he was the new governor it would have occurred to her to mention it, but since she didn't, I wasn't at all surprised that that wasn't at the forefront of her mind.

Elias dying.

And, I feel bad for the carrier being tossed in the brig. Poor guy. But, that clearly was the best thing for combating the plague.

Great comments, everyone. I wonder what would have happened if Claire had revealed her kidnapping. Lord John might have been able to trace her back to Jamie and then their beautiful moment together would have been ruined. Their anonimity allowed them to open up to one another.

Claire is not one to give up easily, but she must have been at wit's end when she placed her cheek against the gun. I have no doubt Claire looked like a mess after 9 days aboard the ship caring for the sick crew. She probably was trying to hide her tears and swollen face when she saw LJ on deck.

Trudy, good points about Claire's renewed religious faith given her time at the abbey. It has been over 20 years since her talk with Brother Anselm, but it was an experience that stayed with her. As we read in the earlier chapters, Claire did go to St. Finbar's church late at night to pray. I think she felt a connection to Jamie there as well because prayer was so important to him. Upon seeing the sunsets on the Porpoise, Claire must have been thinking that Jamie was watching the same ones on the Artemis.

ABL and Lady Jayne that Claire was trying to put on a brave front when she was smoothing her hair and attempting to improve her appearance for LJ. I have never thought of Claire as being vain, and I don't think that was her motive, but she does not like to appear weak in front of strangers. As a woman doctor she had to constantly earn respect; not fair, but she accepted it, never gave up and hardly ever showed her emotions (except to Jamie). She did not have to prove herself to him.